Thoughts on my trip to NYC.

In mid-November, my Mum and I took a trip to New York City to celebrate my 18^th birthday, and it was such an amazing experience. The trip was such a whirlwind and so overwhelming, and I think it’s taken this long for me to realise quite how insane it is that I’ve visited the Big Apple. A lot of people mention the size of New York, not just because of how huge the city itself is, but also because of the size of the buildings and the scale of everything over there. However, once you get over the fact that you wont see the tops of any of the buildings around you (unless you crane your neck so far back you think you’re going to break it) there’s so much more to New York than meets the eye. The amount of people roaming the streets makes you realise how little you matter in the grand scheme of things – and I mean that in the nicest way possible! There are thousands upon thousands of people rushing from place to place in the hustle and bustle of the yellow cab ridden streets of New York, and they can range from tourists, to tour guides, from NYPD cops to advocates for the legalisation of Marijuana. You can brush past so many different people in the space of a few seconds, and each one has a different story to tell; part of me is terrified by that and another part thinks it’s very poetic and beautiful. New York really is the city that never sleeps; there are always people and lights wherever you go. It’s a city of dreams, creativity and hope, and I’m grateful that I can say I’ve experienced it and will hopefully have that experience again. 

Thoughts on education. 

I carried on my education to enhance my intelligence,

To develop my understanding of subjects I love,

To be able to get a degree and become a better me.

But what I was told at the open day last August is not what is real life,

“Work hard and you’ll succeed”,

“You’re a bright girl, you’ll do fine”.

But is it okay when I’m awake until the early hours of the morning,

Working on an essay which results in a D,

Because there isn’t enough time in each day,

To get everything to the level of my “target grade”?

Is it okay that every afternoon I get home from school,

And cry into my pillow,

Because I feel like I’m slowly drowning in the stress?

“Stress is healthy, it’s normal to be stressed”,

But when I feel like the stress is engulfing me,

And when I can’t see the point in anything anymore,

Is that healthy, is that normal?

If this is what getting a good education is,

I’m out.

If damaging my mental health at the age of 17 is going to get me further,

I’m out.

If my love of a subject is getting sacrificed,

Just to make my school’s results look good,

I’m out.

Because when I started my A Levels I never thought that one day,

I wouldn’t want to face the day,

I wouldn’t want to face the stress.

I never thought I’d see myself as a failure,

Or that the only time I really look in the mirror is to wipe the tears away.

If this is education,

If this is my future,

I’m out.

Thoughts on getting ready for the future.

I know I’ve written a lot of posts based around my future, what I hope will happen, and all of my worries and things I’m unsure of. However now it’s becoming real. The dreams are becoming a reality, and honestly? I’m more excited at the prospect than anything else – of becoming a proper adult! However the process of getting there will definitely be an uphill struggle, but my incentive is how good it will feel to be able to get into university and study my dream course. But never mind the hard work behind the subjects, actually applying to any university is time consuming and really makes you look at yourself in a different light. I started writing my personal statement today and it is so difficult. Some people my age will understand how tough it can be to (pretty much) some up what you want to do for the rest of your life in 47 lines. Within that you have to include why you want to do the course, what interests you specifically about that course, work experience, interests outside of school, achievements, awards… the list is endless! Meanwhile you’ve also got to make yourself seem interesting and fun and stand out, and not let them see the truth - that you’ve only been back at sixth form for one week and the workload and the pressure is already weighing you down. Honestly, writing the introduction is hard enough and I haven’t even gotten that far.  It’s strange though, because if you told me to write about pretty much anything else I’ll do it, and I’ll enjoy it. But telling strangers how great I am and how much they should want me? It’s not really my cup of tea. 

Thoughts on being a dreamer.

I’m a self confessed dreamer. I dream of the future constantly, be it what university I go to, my perfect wedding or what country I want to explore next. And around 8 times out of 10 it will be the latter; I’m in love with travelling, with visiting new places and meeting new people. I’m obsessed with finding out the history of places, the ins and outs of the world – it’s amazing. Recently I ordered a cork pin board and a world map to mount on my wall (thanks Dad), and I’ve begun to pin small flags on each country I’ve visited. Of course I’m only 17 and I only have 8 flags on there at the moment, but as time passes and as I grow up I want to visit as many places as I can and have as many crazy, intense, magical experiences as possible. I plan on surrounding the map on my board with memoirs of the different trips I’ve been on; maybe a little photo, or a bus or concert ticket. It scares and confuses me that some people are content with staying in one spot for the rest of their lives, not wanting to explore other horizons or go on adventures with their friends. I mean, each to their own of course – we should all do what makes us happy. But there’s so much more out there than any of us could ever imagine, there’s so many memories just waiting to be made, and I for one can’t wait to go out there and live out the dreams that – right now - I can only imagine.

Thoughts on forming your own opinions.

If you’ve read my blog before you’ll probably know that I enjoy voicing my personal opinions on certain aspects of life, and as you can tell by the title of this blog post I even have an opinion on opinions. There are certain guidelines I like to follow when forming an opinion or voicing an opinion.

I think that a lot of people tend to follow their parents, or their friends opinions on certain things. This could be what they like to do in their spare time, their religion, or which political party they vote for. I definitely agree that we should listen to other people’s opinions and I think it’s very important to hear what other people think and have to say, and to learn that some people are going to have different opinions to yours. However, listening and taking into account someone’s point of view on a matter is very different to just agreeing and copying their argument if you don’t necessarily believe in it. I personally know for a fact that I don’t agree with my parents and some of my friends on certain issues, and this could be because my parents have had different experiences to me, and because my friends and I have grown up in different circumstances. Despite their opinions differing with mine, it doesn’t mean that we don’t get along and can’t discuss these matters; it just means that we have to be accepting of each other’s opinions, and agree to disagree a lot of the time.

I’m proud to say that I have been able to form opinions on a lot of matters by myself, and I take pride in researching and educating myself in an issue before I form a definite opinion or even consider voicing it. When voicing an opinion I have to make sure I 100% agree with what I am saying, because if someone contradicts me I have to be able to form an argument I believe in. There is also the issue of voicing an unpopular opinion which other people don’t agree with, and therefore you may loose certain friendships – if the issue is important to both of you and you feel very adamant either way  - or there may be tensions within certain relationships. I am all for people voicing their own opinions and enjoy listening to what other people think on issues around the world, however I am hesitant to listen if the opinion isn’t genuine or the person doesn’t fully understand what they are talking about. 

I know that I do this – I form an opinion on something (usually political – admittedly) which I don’t really know the ins and outs of, and if I have really taken an interest in the issue I will look it up later on and read up about it (usually to find out my opinion was completely wrong – admittedly). However, I know and understand that I am not qualified to voice these opinions because I don’t really know what I’m talking about, so I keep them to myself for when/if I feel comfortable to speak about it. It’s all right me voicing my opinion on ‘#YesAllWomen’ or ‘The taboo of mental health’, because for the most part I have a good idea of what I’m talking about, and I feel comfortable with them. But if I feel the least bit unsure about an issue I have some sort of opinion on, I won’t voice it because of the fear of later realizing how wrong I was, and regretting voicing an opinion that wasn’t really mine. I just feel that people should take their time to form their own opinions, by listening and talking and reading and researching an issue they are interested in and maybe they’d surprise themselves on what they truly believe and stand for, and who they really are. 

Thoughts on the loss of a loved one.

You can – and probably will – loose a lot of things in life, and these can range from you loosing your favourite jumper, or your phone charger, to the loss of a loved one be it through the end of a relationship or due to the end of their life. This blog post will be focused around the latter, however some of these points may be used in other instances – although I’m not sure how helpful this would be when trying to find a charger!

Recently my family suffered a massive loss when my granddad sadly passed away in January, and I don’t want to go into anything too personal, but his death has definitely affected each and every one of us in a different way, and we have all tried to cope and mourn in our own separate ways. Being sad and mourning over the death of a loved one is perfectly normal and something which everyone should do, because it is healthy to be sad, and cry. However there comes a point when you have to realise that despite your loss and your sadness, the world still keeps turning and the birds will keep singing. Personally, that is probably the hardest thing I had to get my head around because it didn’t feel okay that I was still doing the things I enjoyed, and I was still going to sixth form, and I was still going out with my friends like nothing had changed. It felt wrong.

Thinking about it now with a clearer mind than I had a few months ago, I know now that my granddad wouldn’t have wanted me to mope around and cry all the time over him. Doing things that I knew would have made him proud is really what helped keep me smiling, and what kept me motivated through the mock exams I was facing at the time. Music was another thing that helped me – and other family members – deal with what had happened. I don’t know how because I don’t understand it myself, but for some reason when I connect with a song – especially the lyrics – and the way the song itself is pieced together, it relaxes me like nothing else can and helps me reflect on events which have happened and my thoughts and feelings around them. Music speaks to a lot of people in a way that the rest of the world doesn’t.

I am not saying that by listening to music and carrying on with your day-to-day life that you shouldn’t think about your loss and you shouldn’t mourn over it, however I am also not saying that your loss is all that should be on your mind so much so that you over think it. There has to be a healthy balance between the two in order for you to mourn in a healthy way, without it taking over your life and making you ill.

Mourning is a long process, and for a lot of people we will always mourn the loss of a loved one. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my granddad in one way or another, and yet at the same time most of those thoughts and memories don’t make me sad – they make me smile because I know that I will always have those happy memories with him, and I can treasure them forever. 

Thoughts on being happy.

There isn’t a list of rules on ‘how to be happy’, and two different people may not necessarily be happy in the same situation. There’s no real definition of what happiness is or what it feels like – apart from the state of being happy, obviously – and that’s because it’s down to the individual alone to decide whether they are truly happy and what can be done to solve it if they aren’t.

Life isn’t always fair, and everyone goes through times in their life when bad things happen. Be it a death of a loved one, an end to a relationship or friendship, or bad results in a test or exam: disappointment and sadness are natural emotions for us to feel through periods of time in our life. These are inevitable, and for the most part unavoidable, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We need to allow ourselves time to feel down or unhappy, so that we know who’s there for us when we need them, and to notice our happy moments when they do come around.

However I have found that there are things that we can do in order to help ourselves be more happy and positive, and a lot of the time I have found that it’s other people’s negativity that stops me from being completely content. Whether it’s a snide comment on how I look or an opinion I express, or a relationship or friendship going wrong and ending up toxic, the people surrounding us have a lot to do with our mindset. Is this okay or right? No not at all. Should their opinions matter? No not at all. Yet we still let others thoughts on us affect how we think and feel about ourselves.

One thing I have learnt recently is that how people treat you isn’t your decision, but the people you surround yourself with is. Surround yourself with people who are beautiful on the inside rather than basing it around the misconception of what ‘beautiful’ looks like aesthetically. Surround yourself with the people who make you happy, and who respect you, and not those who you have to impress or act differently around. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy, confident and to be surrounded by people who love them for them.

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.” – John Lennon