Thoughts on ‘eternity’.

Recently my friends and I headed down to the beautiful city of London to celebrate the end of exams and the beginning of the rest of our lives. The trip was so relaxing and it was lovely to laugh and chat with my friends without having the constant feeling of guilt that we should be doing some more coursework, or revision. Whilst sat along the embankment, overlooking the Thames and the London eye, conversation turned to fears, and progressively death – how morbid of us, I know! However, one of the girls pointed out that there was no point in being too afraid of death because there were millions of years before we were born, and there will be an eternity without us. This was a very good point, and one that has got me thinking a lot. The concept of death and eternity doesn’t necessarily scare me, however it has made me question the whole purpose of my being on earth (which is pretty terrifying when you over think it in bed at night). In essence all we are are ‘blips’ in time, in the grand scheme of things I am completely irrelevant to everything which happened before me and everything which will continue to happen once I leave the earth - and I don’t want that to come across as though I’m seeking attention or that I’m unhappy with the way my life is because I’m definitely not. However it seems slightly discouraging to me that any achievements that happen in mine or my loved ones lives are only a millisecond within millions of lifetimes. The worst possibility I can think of right now is the idea that I’ll end up in a job that I’ll grow to loathe; that I’ll digress in a town I’ve spent my life in, having not seen the world and experienced different cultures. I don’t want to settle for anything less than the absolute perfection I can envisage now. I hate the idea of settling for less, settling for something that makes me unhappy just because “that’s what the rest of us do”. If I’m only a mere ‘blip’ in time, I sure want my ‘blip’ to count.

Thoughts on the first day of Spring.

So I don’t actually know when the first day of spring technically is, if that’s even a thing (?), but today has felt like the first proper day of spring for me. Instead of being holed up in my room working on coursework or watching films – although I still plan on watching a Harry Potter tonight – I actually got up before 10am on a Sunday and went for a good three mile run. Please bear in mind that although this might be nothing to some of you reading, I’m definitely not a land animal and most definitely more of a water creature, so three miles is a decent amount for me! Whilst on my run I didn’t feel the need to be on my phone or on the Internet, and instead took my time to appreciate the views and to just be alone with my thoughts and myself. It saddens me slightly that in this society a large percentage of us focus our lives around technology. Now a part of this is great, of course it’s amazing that we’ve been given electricity and running water, but I think it’s a debate within itself as to what is too much technology? When do we stop using it to aid us in our everyday lives, and begin to let it more or less run us? I’m as guilty as anyone; I’m constantly checking my texts, or my twitter and instagram, but I don’t think it’s right or healthy. I especially don’t think it’s acceptable when children as young as nine are on the Internet, are able to post what they like and talk to whoever they like. The Internet can be positive if you approach it with care and an understanding of what the consequences and dangers can be, however when used in the wrong way the Internet can be damaging to others and yourself. It upsets me knowing these young children are online because they haven’t yet been taught the rules and risks of safe Internet, they haven’t grasped that the people they’re talking to might not always be who they say they are. The worst thing about it all, is why should they? Why at the precious age of nine and younger should they have to be exposed to such an adult world, it’s not fair and it’s cutting their childhoods even shorter. Although I am conscious that it is necessary for children to be aware of strangers of course, and I am fully aware that we are living in a new age of technology, it still saddens me that less and less children are playing and being creative and more are sat watching the TV, or playing on the iPad, and some even have their own iPhones. Personally, I am going to make a conscious effort to spend less time on my phone and on my laptop, and more time appreciating what’s right in front of me. (She says as she writes this on her laptop, ready to post it online *sigh*).  

Thoughts on my trip to NYC.

In mid-November, my Mum and I took a trip to New York City to celebrate my 18^th birthday, and it was such an amazing experience. The trip was such a whirlwind and so overwhelming, and I think it’s taken this long for me to realise quite how insane it is that I’ve visited the Big Apple. A lot of people mention the size of New York, not just because of how huge the city itself is, but also because of the size of the buildings and the scale of everything over there. However, once you get over the fact that you wont see the tops of any of the buildings around you (unless you crane your neck so far back you think you’re going to break it) there’s so much more to New York than meets the eye. The amount of people roaming the streets makes you realise how little you matter in the grand scheme of things – and I mean that in the nicest way possible! There are thousands upon thousands of people rushing from place to place in the hustle and bustle of the yellow cab ridden streets of New York, and they can range from tourists, to tour guides, from NYPD cops to advocates for the legalisation of Marijuana. You can brush past so many different people in the space of a few seconds, and each one has a different story to tell; part of me is terrified by that and another part thinks it’s very poetic and beautiful. New York really is the city that never sleeps; there are always people and lights wherever you go. It’s a city of dreams, creativity and hope, and I’m grateful that I can say I’ve experienced it and will hopefully have that experience again. 

Thoughts on education. 

I carried on my education to enhance my intelligence,

To develop my understanding of subjects I love,

To be able to get a degree and become a better me.

But what I was told at the open day last August is not what is real life,

“Work hard and you’ll succeed”,

“You’re a bright girl, you’ll do fine”.

But is it okay when I’m awake until the early hours of the morning,

Working on an essay which results in a D,

Because there isn’t enough time in each day,

To get everything to the level of my “target grade”?

Is it okay that every afternoon I get home from school,

And cry into my pillow,

Because I feel like I’m slowly drowning in the stress?

“Stress is healthy, it’s normal to be stressed”,

But when I feel like the stress is engulfing me,

And when I can’t see the point in anything anymore,

Is that healthy, is that normal?

If this is what getting a good education is,

I’m out.

If damaging my mental health at the age of 17 is going to get me further,

I’m out.

If my love of a subject is getting sacrificed,

Just to make my school’s results look good,

I’m out.

Because when I started my A Levels I never thought that one day,

I wouldn’t want to face the day,

I wouldn’t want to face the stress.

I never thought I’d see myself as a failure,

Or that the only time I really look in the mirror is to wipe the tears away.

If this is education,

If this is my future,

I’m out.

Thoughts on getting ready for the future.

I know I’ve written a lot of posts based around my future, what I hope will happen, and all of my worries and things I’m unsure of. However now it’s becoming real. The dreams are becoming a reality, and honestly? I’m more excited at the prospect than anything else – of becoming a proper adult! However the process of getting there will definitely be an uphill struggle, but my incentive is how good it will feel to be able to get into university and study my dream course. But never mind the hard work behind the subjects, actually applying to any university is time consuming and really makes you look at yourself in a different light. I started writing my personal statement today and it is so difficult. Some people my age will understand how tough it can be to (pretty much) some up what you want to do for the rest of your life in 47 lines. Within that you have to include why you want to do the course, what interests you specifically about that course, work experience, interests outside of school, achievements, awards… the list is endless! Meanwhile you’ve also got to make yourself seem interesting and fun and stand out, and not let them see the truth - that you’ve only been back at sixth form for one week and the workload and the pressure is already weighing you down. Honestly, writing the introduction is hard enough and I haven’t even gotten that far.  It’s strange though, because if you told me to write about pretty much anything else I’ll do it, and I’ll enjoy it. But telling strangers how great I am and how much they should want me? It’s not really my cup of tea. 

Thoughts on being a dreamer.

I’m a self confessed dreamer. I dream of the future constantly, be it what university I go to, my perfect wedding or what country I want to explore next. And around 8 times out of 10 it will be the latter; I’m in love with travelling, with visiting new places and meeting new people. I’m obsessed with finding out the history of places, the ins and outs of the world – it’s amazing. Recently I ordered a cork pin board and a world map to mount on my wall (thanks Dad), and I’ve begun to pin small flags on each country I’ve visited. Of course I’m only 17 and I only have 8 flags on there at the moment, but as time passes and as I grow up I want to visit as many places as I can and have as many crazy, intense, magical experiences as possible. I plan on surrounding the map on my board with memoirs of the different trips I’ve been on; maybe a little photo, or a bus or concert ticket. It scares and confuses me that some people are content with staying in one spot for the rest of their lives, not wanting to explore other horizons or go on adventures with their friends. I mean, each to their own of course – we should all do what makes us happy. But there’s so much more out there than any of us could ever imagine, there’s so many memories just waiting to be made, and I for one can’t wait to go out there and live out the dreams that – right now - I can only imagine.

Thoughts on forming your own opinions.

If you’ve read my blog before you’ll probably know that I enjoy voicing my personal opinions on certain aspects of life, and as you can tell by the title of this blog post I even have an opinion on opinions. There are certain guidelines I like to follow when forming an opinion or voicing an opinion.

I think that a lot of people tend to follow their parents, or their friends opinions on certain things. This could be what they like to do in their spare time, their religion, or which political party they vote for. I definitely agree that we should listen to other people’s opinions and I think it’s very important to hear what other people think and have to say, and to learn that some people are going to have different opinions to yours. However, listening and taking into account someone’s point of view on a matter is very different to just agreeing and copying their argument if you don’t necessarily believe in it. I personally know for a fact that I don’t agree with my parents and some of my friends on certain issues, and this could be because my parents have had different experiences to me, and because my friends and I have grown up in different circumstances. Despite their opinions differing with mine, it doesn’t mean that we don’t get along and can’t discuss these matters; it just means that we have to be accepting of each other’s opinions, and agree to disagree a lot of the time.

I’m proud to say that I have been able to form opinions on a lot of matters by myself, and I take pride in researching and educating myself in an issue before I form a definite opinion or even consider voicing it. When voicing an opinion I have to make sure I 100% agree with what I am saying, because if someone contradicts me I have to be able to form an argument I believe in. There is also the issue of voicing an unpopular opinion which other people don’t agree with, and therefore you may loose certain friendships – if the issue is important to both of you and you feel very adamant either way  - or there may be tensions within certain relationships. I am all for people voicing their own opinions and enjoy listening to what other people think on issues around the world, however I am hesitant to listen if the opinion isn’t genuine or the person doesn’t fully understand what they are talking about. 

I know that I do this – I form an opinion on something (usually political – admittedly) which I don’t really know the ins and outs of, and if I have really taken an interest in the issue I will look it up later on and read up about it (usually to find out my opinion was completely wrong – admittedly). However, I know and understand that I am not qualified to voice these opinions because I don’t really know what I’m talking about, so I keep them to myself for when/if I feel comfortable to speak about it. It’s all right me voicing my opinion on ‘#YesAllWomen’ or ‘The taboo of mental health’, because for the most part I have a good idea of what I’m talking about, and I feel comfortable with them. But if I feel the least bit unsure about an issue I have some sort of opinion on, I won’t voice it because of the fear of later realizing how wrong I was, and regretting voicing an opinion that wasn’t really mine. I just feel that people should take their time to form their own opinions, by listening and talking and reading and researching an issue they are interested in and maybe they’d surprise themselves on what they truly believe and stand for, and who they really are.